The greatest regret of my life happened around my wedding. While I was busy preparing and planning, I was hiding. From who? My sisters.
While they were at Ulta gathering makeup for my wedding day, I ran to another store for something I “needed.” While my bridal party hung out together, I found ways to slip away.
Being the youngest sister was never easy. My sisters were beautiful and slim, while I was always the “bigger-boned” one. They seemed to step fearlessly into the uncomfortable call of ministry, while I wanted to shrink back. I loved them, but somewhere along the way, love turned into resentment. And that resentment grew into bitterness, pushing me further and further away.
To this day, I can’t point to a single thing they did that truly deserved my resentment.
So where did it start? I believed they looked down on me because I was the little sister. The enemy had a field day with those thoughts. I created false pictures of their intentions and then twisted every action as “proof” to back it up. In reality, I was witch-hunting.
Bitterness is deceptive. When you let it be your friend, you forget that it’s sin. When you let it soothe and comfort you, it doesn’t just isolate you from the person you resent.
The heart is not selective. When bitterness was in full bloom in my life, I didn’t just distance myself from my sisters, I distanced myself from everyone. And the darker my heart grew, the more convinced I became that everyone was against me.
It took my mama to call out my bitterness. It took repentance to cleanse my heart. It took the Word to renew my mind. Because when you walk down the road of bitterness, the walls close in tighter and tighter. You begin to despair, believing no one loves you, no one wants the best for you.
That’s the lie of the enemy. And he’s had too much power for too long.
It’s time to let go. It’s time to move on.
How Bitterness Enters In
A pearl is formed when a small particle such as a grain of sand, a parasite, or a shell fragment slips inside the mollusk’s shell. This irritates the shell and causes it to release a protective substance. Layer upon layer is added until the pearl is formed. This process can take months or even years.
Bitterness works much the same way. It begins as a small irritation. Let us call it a hurt. To avoid feeling the pain, you try to protect yourself, and in the process, you end up hardening your heart.
Do not misunderstand. God allows these irritations and pains in our lives so that we can grow. When a pearl is created, it is beautiful and shines. But what if you do not allow God to be the one who heals the hurts you experience? Every hurt should be an opportunity to draw you closer to your Savior.
When you grow resentful of your hurt, that hurt forms something in you, a dark pearl of your own creation. Just like a pearl, your bitterness can start with a grain of sand and, over months or years, become fully formed. And just like a pearl shines, your bitterness also shines, but in the wrong way. Everyone around you can see it. They can feel its presence when it enters the room.
Facing Your Reality
So, how do you break free? Remember, bitterness is sin. That means you do not have to face this alone. Jesus died on the cross for all sin, and that includes this one.
Step 1: Admitting Your Sin
As long as you remain in denial, you will not break free. When you admit to yourself that you are bitter, you can allow Jesus to set you free. Begin by having a “confession session.” This can be with a trusted minister or it can be between you and the Lord.
This is the one time you are allowed to pour out before Him all the wrongs done against you. The tally you have been keeping? Bring it up. The irritations and offenses? Lay them out.
Once you have released it all, repent of your sin. Repent for holding records of wrong (1 Corinthians 13:5). Repent for your outbursts and childish behavior. Repent for expecting the worst and seeing the worst in others.
Step 2: Asking for Forgiveness
It feels freeing to repent and finally face the dark corners of your heart. But now you need to ask for forgiveness. First, ask your heavenly Father for forgiveness for choosing to sin and becoming your own judge. Second, ask forgiveness from those you held bitterness against.
You do not have to apologize face-to-face at first. You can do this privately in prayer. Once you have truly let go, then you can forgive them in person. You will know you have received the breakthrough when you can forgive freely, without lingering resentment. Done right, you may even feel “bare” afterward. It is a humbling but powerful process.
Step 3: Renewing Your Mind
It may have taken months or years of negative thoughts for bitterness to take root. It will take time and effort to renew your mind. This is where you must put in the work.
Choose a handful of scriptures to declare daily. Focus on faith, hope, and love, especially love. One powerful verse to hold onto is 1 Corinthians 13:7:
“Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Each time a negative thought comes, flip it into a love-filled thought. Choose to see the positive. Choose to believe the best about others. Cast down every negative thought and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).
When you do this, you will see your relationships flourish. You will experience breakthrough in your life. Most importantly, you will grow in a deeper relationship with your Heavenly Father.
You can do this. Take the step of faith and allow yourself to be set free from the bondage of bitterness.
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